Sometimes Fear Traps Us in a Dungeon

Darin had recently been transferred out of the ICU.  It had been over a week since Lucy and Collin saw their daddy whisked away on a fire truck and in a couple of days they would see him for the first time since the accident.  It was a daunting task, but I knew I needed to start explaining to them that their daddy's injury would mean permanent changes for him and all of us. I showed them a picture of their daddy immobilized in the ICU complete with an NG tube, all kinds of monitors, and a picc line.  I told them that when he came home, he would be in a wheel chair and probably wouldn't be able to walk yet (if ever). I told them that no one but God knew when he would be able to come home from the hospital.  For a five and seven-year-old, it already seemed like an eternity since they'd seen him.  I was not prepared for all the questions that would come from them, particularly from Lucy, when I gave them this information.  Here's a sampling from one of our conversations:

"How will Daddy go potty when he gets home?"

"Well. I don't know yet.  But the doctors and nurses will teach him how to go potty."

"How will he get his pajamas on?"

"Well, I will help him!"

"But are you strong enough?"

"Well, I don't know! But I hope so."

I ended up being grateful for the questions, because they helped me to systematically confront many of the disorganized  fears that were floating around in my brain. Our family has faced a lot of fears, starting the moment the accident occurred, and new ones have popped up each day ever since. 

Two days after the accident-the day before Darin's surgery-I was pretty shaky with fear.  I could best describe it as the feeling you have when you are about to throw up.  You aren't looking forward to it, but you know that you will probably feel better when it is all done so you wish you could hasten it. On that day, I was talking to my sister on the phone and she told me that her youngest daughter, my 11-year-old niece, Grace, had written and illustrated a story for my kids that was intended to help them through this difficult time.  She hadn't put all the finishing touches on her artwork, but my sister promised to send me pictures of the story in a series of texts.  When I received them, the story took my breath away.  It turned out to be the very thing I needed to get through that day:

"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Lucy.  There was also a very strong and courageous knight named Collin"

"One day, Collin was on his way home from outsmarting a giant and conquering a dragon and he heard the beautiful voice of a girl singing a beautiful song. He thought, 'Oh my, that must be Princess Lucy!  I must go and see her!' But there was one problem. He couldn't find where she was."

" 'Hmmm,' he thought, 'How will I be able to know where Princess Lucy is? Ooh! Maybe I should call her name and she will answer me!' He cupped his hands around his mouth and called, 'Oh Lucy!  Where are you?!' Then he heard a faint, 'Down here, strong and mighty Collin, the monster has put me in a dungeon!' "

" 'What monster? Is it a dragon? I'm good at fighting dragons!' Collin said. 'No,'  Lucy said, 'It's a very bad monster, his name is Fear. You have to conquer it!' Lucy was shaking, just thinking of his name. 'Don't worry, I will,' Collin said.  Then, Fear started coming out."

" 'He's (gulp) bigger than I thought,' Collin said.  Then Lucy whispered, 'Pray! Think something like God is with me, God is with me! It will help!'  Collin started to slowly walk toward Fear, thinking, 'God is with me, God is with me!' Fear felt really confused, because Collin wasn't scared."

"Fear started backing away while Collin was stepping forward.  Then Collin smiled.  He stopped, he looked fear right in the eye and yelled at the top of his lungs, 'I...AM...A...STEVENSON!!'  Fear looked terrified. Then, in a sudden burst, he disappeared."

" 'We conquered the fear! We conquered the fear!  Hooray!' Lucy and Collin shouted with delight. And ever since that day, when Collin conquered the fear, Lucy and Collin and the whole kingdom lived happily ever after.  The End."

 

I wonder if my sweet niece had any idea the gift she gave our entire family when she wrote and shared this story with her cousins.  For me, personally, I have been given a way to articulate my experiences ever since Darin fell off that ladder:  Sometimes, the "very bad monster named Fear"  has trapped me in a dungeon. Things seem complicated in those moments.  But the solution for me, in Christ Jesus is simple:   Pray. Say "God is with me!" Remember who I am in Him, and take the first few steps in facing my fears.

Does this story touch you too? If you know of anyone, big or little, who could use some encouraging words about facing fear, I hope you will share it with them. I would love for Grace to know how much impact her story has on others, so if you or someone you know is ever touched by it, please let me know so I can pass it along to her.

By the way: please don't copy, or redistribute Grace's story, or present it as your own.  If you share with others, I ask that do so by simply sharing this blog post as is!

xoxo,

Darin

It's been fairly quiet over here for awhile. Despite my inactivity on this blog, 2015 is proving to be a big year for our family, and not in a way we would have ever imagined, expected or asked for.

On March 27th, we were enjoying a relaxed and laid back Friday afternoon.  Darin had taken the day off from work and we were enjoying a little "stay-cation".  We had stayed the night before at a local hotel that had an indoor water park.  We'd been back home for perhaps an hour and a half and it was a beautiful day.   Darin decided to go into the backyard to finish installing a zip line that he'd been working on for Lucy and Collin.  It was a part of the amazing play barn he'd been building for them:

Nora was napping, Lucy was working with one of her respite providers, Collin was engrossed in his own activities and I was tidying up in the "school room" when I heard a thud from outside and the sound of Darin groaning in pain.  I quickly ran to our backyard and found him on his back sprawled on the ground. His fifteen foot ladder, fully extended, was leaning against our maple tree. 

 "Honey, should I call an ambulance or do you think I can get you into the van and take you to the ER?" I asked him calmly.
"Call an ambulance," he responded with a calmness that matched mine. Thankfully, our next door neighbor was home, saw what was happening and was by Darin's side while I ran in to retrieve my phone.

I told Lucy and Collin that their daddy was hurt, I was calling an ambulance and that we were going to "trust God with their daddy". I dialed 911 and went back to Darin who at this point was completely unaware of what happened, what day it was or what he had been doing.

In a flash, a team of paramedics arrived, assessed his condition, cut his clothing off and put him on a stretcher. Lucy and Collin witnessed these moments and Lucy immediately began crying and expressed her fears that her daddy was too hurt to go back to work and that we would not "have any money to buy food".  Collin watched silently with his lip quivering. Our pastor's wife, Laura, arrived to stay with all the kids so that Ruth, Lucy's respite provider could be relieved and I could go to the ER with Darin.

We made it to the ER and I sat calmly in the waiting room, waiting to hear what the initial exam and x-ray revealed.  I was determined not to "jump to any conclusions" yet.  Our pastor, Scott showed up and was already giving support and praying with me when the trauma doctor approached me in the waiting room.

"He has a fractured vertebrae.  And a spinal cord injury.  He has sensation in his legs, but no movement," she explained.

"Sensation, but no movement," I repeated, "Ummm, what is the difference between sensation and movement?" I dumbly asked.

"He can tell if something is touching his legs, but he cannot move them. He will be transferred soon to the ICU where you will meet with a neurosurgeon to discuss the next steps."

The calm suddenly gave way to fear and Scott put his arm around my shoulders as the tears freely came.

 A LOT has happened since that afternoon.  Darin was hospitalized for a total of 40 days.  The hospital stay included a seven-hour surgery to stabilize the burst vertebrae, one week in the ICU, one week in acute care and four weeks of inpatient rehabilitation. He spends most of his time in a wheel chair now, but praise God, he has regained some mobility in his legs!  He can even do some walking with a leg brace and his walker! But things will never be the same.

He is now back home and has been here for three weeks. He is trying to get used to life with his new disability and we are all adjusting to big changes.  I am learning to be his caregiver, keeping up with parenting our children, and starting to pick up as many of his former household responsibilities as I can.  We have A LOT of help.  We have more support than we could have ever dreamed of.  We are NOT on this journey alone.  God is taking care of us through His people.

It is still hard.  There are a lot of unknowns about the future and we are facing a lot of fears. I don't have a lot of free time.  Right now I am staying up later than I should, typing this.  But, I feel like I need to start processing the past two months in writing and also document the journey going forward as best as I am able.  I want to use this blog as an outlet to do that.  I hope you will be blessed by the stories I have to share.  Stay tuned.

 

 

xoxo,