Remaining in Him

Lucy and Collin's bedtime drew near this evening and if asked to describe the day with only one word, I would have said that today was "satisfying".  But things can change quickly.  And they did.  But I will get to that later.

The kids and I did some hard work today.  I'd like to spare some detail, so suffice it to say that I endeavored to tackle some poor habits that all of us have been practicing at home and attempted to introduce some new habits that I believe will serve our family well. 

I was really proud of both of my "big kids".  They received and followed my instructions and exercised diligence that defied their developmental stages.  By the end of the day we were all tired, and Darin had to work late.

Sweet 9-month-old Nora was pretty worn out too.  She had been along for the ride throughout our busyness and ended up being awake for much more of the day than I had anticipated.

So I made a plan to get her down for bed and be "Fun Mommy" for the rest of the evening by doing a movie and popcorn night with Lucy and Collin.  It was just going to be the three of us and it was going to be great.

And oh boy, was I ever "Fun Mommy".  I popped the corn, I sprinkled in the M&Ms, I made up chocolate milk and we were JUST about to snuggle in front of Curious George, when one of the kids acted upon an impulse that started a chain reaction that ultimately brought the movie, popcorn and snuggling plans to a halt. Nora woke up.  Chaos ensued. All three of the kids were crying.

I am sorry to say that when I scolded the child who made the impulsive move, I overreacted and laid blame.  I could have responded with grace, I could have overlooked the "offense", especially after a full day of this child doing so beautifully with the tasks of the day. But I blew it.

After Darin got home from work he was able to help me get the older two kids to bed while I was working with Nora to help her sleep again. I began to replay the events of the evening and go through all the ways I would have handled myself differently if I could. In those moments, if you had asked me to describe myself in one word, I might have said "scum".

But then, the Holy Spirit brought to mind something that I had written five and a half years ago.  Once I tracked it down and read it, it gave me goosebumps. I realized that God in His sovereignty just might have prompted me in January of 2009 to pray for the very things and write down the very words that I would need on this balmy July night in 2014.

Please allow me to share:

" When Darin and I face difficult parenting issues, I can trust God to supply us with the wisdom we need to be the parents that our children need. I can also trust Him to forgive us when we make parenting mistakes. We can ask God to heal our children when we hurt them.

As I pray for our children and for Darin and I as their parents, I want to ask God to protect all of us from pain that we might inflict upon each other. But now I'm sensing the Holy Spirit reshaping my prayers... and rather than asking God to keep us from hurting each other, I start to focus more on asking God to bring our children to faith in Him at an early age. That we may all have our Savior in common and that we will all be able to run to Jesus together when we inevitably hurt each other, or deal with disappointment within our family. That rather than shielding my children from pain, I would be able to guide them to the One who can heal them of their hurts.

I don't know the challenges that lie ahead for our family. But I know the One who is building our family and I have faith that He is building it for His glory. That gives me more peace and more confidence to parent our children than anything else."

Revisiting these words and prayers from years ago was a gift.  And now, if you were to ask me to use one word to describe what I am striving for, I would have to break the rules and give you three.  "Remaining in Him" (which is what Jesus invited his followers and friends to do in John 15:4).  Incidentally, the kids and I listened to this scripture (set to music) several times today. While we were hard at work, this album was in the playlist:

 I can't say enough how much I am enjoying the music from Seeds Family Worship which just so happens to be available for free audio streaming for Amazon Prime users.  Click on the above image for the link.

And thanks for allowing me to share what is on my heart tonight.

xoxo,

Survival Mode

In my first post I wrote about how from the time our second child, Collin was born in July 2009 up until I began blogging, I felt like our household had been in "survival mode".  The earliest years of parenting Lucy and Collin had knocked my socks off, but I finally felt like we were finding a rhythm as a family.

Well, the months of October and November seemed to have been a (hopefully temporary) lapse back into survival mode. Yep, only one month after joyfully announcing that we weren't "there" anymore and started to blog all about it, we ended up back in "that" place.  I want to be a voice of authenticity about the joys AND challenges of parenting, so I decided to describe what October and November 2012 have been like and share how I am seeking to persevere in December. : )

Early on in October I discovered the possibility (which turned into hope) that I was pregnant with our third child.  My hope was realized two weeks into the month when I had a positive pregnancy test! I figured out that my due date would be just a week before Collin's birthday and it brought me right back to the joyful experience of learning that I was pregnant with him four years ago.  Almost like clockwork, my pregnancy was mimicking the experience of my first pregnancy.  Same symptoms along the same timeline during the same time of year.  Along with that first trimester exhaustion, life with Lucy and Collin became once again a bit more like "survival".  I was okay with that, knowing that those "suck-the-life-out-of-you" early pregnancy days would be temporary. I had my eye on the second trimester "prize" of renewed energy and figured that we could slip back into our rhythm at that time.

We got through October and jumped into November which is traditionally our busiest month of the year.  I was looking forward to having my first prenatal appointment on the 19th.  Unfortunately, during that appointment when the doctor took me for an ultrasound, we discovered that there was no baby.  We learned that I was experiencing a "blighted ovum" which means that at the implantation stage of pregnancy, there was no further development of the baby, even though my body continued to progress with the "pregnancy" along with all the symptoms and feelings of pregnancy.

Darin and I were (are) definitely disappointed.  I allowed myself a good long day of crying and there are weepy moments that are still popping up here and there.  At the same time, I just keep looking at my sweet Lucy and Collin who are here with me and feel so thankful for them and thankful to be their mommy.  I remember the most valuable thing I learned from the infertility we experienced before Lucy and Collin came into our lives and Psalm 127:3 sums it up-

 "Children are a heritage of the Lord, offspring a reward from Him".

 In other words, children are a gift from God and not something that we deserve or are entitled to. When God allowed Darin and I to adopt Lucy in 2008 and give birth to Collin in 2009, many sweet folks told us that they were happy for us because we "deserved" those children. I knew the heart and intentions of those comments, but I have never felt that God gave me children because I deserved them.

I am sure glad I had that settled in my mind BEFORE the nitty-gritty last few years of parenting came along for Darin and I!  In the moments when my kids' demands have driven me to the end of myself, I am sure glad I haven't had to wrestle with the question, "What have I done to deserve THIS?"  In the sweet (almost-too-good-to-be-true) moments when I have been the object of the most pure forms of Lucy and Collin's affection, it is a good thing I haven't felt like I deserved it because I surely would have spoiled those moments with my own pride.

Now with this miscarriage, I sure am glad that the Spirit of God settled in my mind years ago that a child is an undeserved gift, otherwise, what range of emotions and questions might I be visiting right now?  Instead, along with the disappointment, I can view the experience of this very short pregnancy with thankfulness.  A sweet friend articulated this feeling of gratitude for me when I couldn't put my own finger on it when she wrote to me after I told her the news. She said,

 "My guess is that there are some precious little treasures that only you get to keep because you were fortunate enough to get to make a home for this baby for awhile." 

 Her guess was right.

So, October and November 2012 in our household were about "survival".  The routines that Lucy and Collin function so well on fell by the wayside and life wasn't always so smooth.  I only fit in preschool lessons when I had the energy.  I may have let them watch a few mores PBS shows than I normally would. They saw their mommy's emotions and may have felt a little confused by them.  I am pretty sure that all of that is OK and I am pretty sure that we're slowly getting that "groove" back.  AND I can remember amid all my mothering efforts that Lucy and Collin are actually in the much more capable hands of the One who gave them to me. ♥

My three greatest earthly blessing having fun together in October despite being in "survival mode" again. : )

xoxo,

New Day

A few years ago, I kept a personal blog as both an outlet for creative expression and a means for keeping friends and family updated on my life. It is something I truly enjoyed, and now that I have been away from blogging for more than two years, I realize that it is something I miss enough to want to start again!

I've been reflecting lately on all that has taken place in my life since I married my guy, Darin, almost nine years ago and I realized that in a way, I am just now "catching my breath".  After our whirlwind courtship and engagement, we married in 2003 (just 11 months after we met). We went headstrong into a major home renovation project during our engagement and first couple of years of marriage.  From there we walked through two years of infertility, followed by the adoption of our sweet daughter, Lucy.  Before we knew it, we had the surprise of our lives when we learned that we were pregnant with our son, Collin, just 8 months after Lucy's arrival!.  After his birth, a little bit of post-partum depression was thrown into the mix, and then a few more months down the road we began to realize that our Lucy was experiencing some special needs.  The challenges of staying home full-time to mother these two knocked my socks off and I would say that our family went into a "survival mode" that has lasted pretty much up until now. :)

It hasn't been easy but with God's grace, I DO feel that at present, I am catching my breath or at least getting a better handle on how to manage my responsibilities in my home and to my family. Thankful to be in this new place, I'm thinking that it could be valuable to pull together and share the things I am learning, trying, and taking inspiration from. So here I am with a new blog, It's New Day.

Perhaps you are a friend or family member who followed a link here from my Facebook timeline or you wandered here by some other means. Thanks for stopping by!  I am looking forward to posting here and I hope that it will be a pleasant read and that you come often!