It's a New Day: Survival Mode

In my first post I wrote about how from the time our second child, Collin was born in July 2009 up until I began blogging, I felt like our household had been in "survival mode". The earliest years of parenting Lucy and Collin had knocked my socks off, but I finally felt like we were finding a rhythm as a family.

Well, the months of October and November seemed to have been a (hopefully temporary) lapse back into survival mode. Yep, only one month after joyfully announcing that we weren't "there" anymore and started to blog all about it, we ended up back in "that" place. I want to be a voice of authenticity about the joys AND challenges of parenting, so I decided to describe what October and November 2012 have been like and share how I am seeking to persevere in December. : )

Early on in October I discovered the possibility (which turned into hope) that I was pregnant with our third child. My hope was realized two weeks into the month when I had a positive pregnancy test! I figured out that my due date would be just a week before Collin's birthday and it brought me right back to the joyful experience of learning that I was pregnant with him four years ago. Almost like clockwork, my pregnancy was mimicking the experience of my first pregnancy. Same symptoms along the same timeline during the same time of year. Along with that first trimester exhaustion, life with Lucy and Collin became once again a bit more like "survival". I was okay with that, knowing that those "suck-the-life-out-of-you" early pregnancy days would be temporary. I had my eye on the second trimester "prize" of renewed energy and figured that we could slip back into our rhythm at that time.

We got through October and jumped into November which is traditionally our busiest month of the year. I was looking forward to having my first prenatal appointment on the 19th. Unfortunately, during that appointment when the doctor took me for an ultrasound, we discovered that there was no baby. We learned that I was experiencing a "blighted ovum" which means that at the implantation stage of pregnancy, there was no further development of the baby, even though my body continued to progress with the "pregnancy" along with all the symptoms and feelings of pregnancy.

Darin and I were (are) definitely disappointed. I allowed myself a good long day of crying and there are weepy moments that are still popping up here and there. At the same time, I just keep looking at my sweet Lucy and Collin who are here with me and feel so thankful for them and thankful to be their mommy. I remember the most valuable thing I learned from the infertility we experienced before Lucy and Collin came into our lives and Psalm 127:3 sums it up-

"Children are a heritage of the Lord, offspring a reward from Him".

In other words, children are a gift from God and not something that we deserve or are entitled to. When God allowed Darin and I to adopt Lucy in 2008 and give birth to Collin in 2009, many sweet folks told us that they were happy for us because we "deserved" those children. I knew the heart and intentions of those comments, but I have never felt that God gave me children because I deserved them.

I am sure glad I had that settled in my mind BEFORE the nitty-gritty last few years of parenting came along for Darin and I! In the moments when my kids' demands have driven me to the end of myself, I am sure glad I haven't had to wrestle with the question, "What have I done to deserve THIS?" In the sweet (almost-too-good-to-be-true) moments when I have been the object of the most pure forms of Lucy and Collin's affection, it is a good thing I haven't felt like I deserved it because I surely would have spoiled those moments with my own pride.

Now with this miscarriage, I sure am glad that the Spirit of God settled in my mind years ago that a child is an undeserved gift, otherwise, what range of emotions and questions might I be visiting right now? Instead, along with the disappointment, I can view the experience of this very short pregnancy with thankfulness. A sweet friend articulated this feeling of gratitude for me when I couldn't put my own finger on it when she wrote to me after I told her the news. She said,

"My guess is that there are some precious little treasures that only you get to keep because you were fortunate enough to get to make a home for this baby for awhile."

Her guess was right.

So, October and November 2012 in our household were about "survival". The routines that Lucy and Collin function so well on fell by the wayside and life wasn't always so smooth. I only fit in preschool lessons when I had the energy. I may have let them watch a few mores PBS shows than I normally would. They saw their mommy's emotions and may have felt a little confused by them. I am pretty sure that all of that is OK and I am pretty sure that we're slowly getting that "groove" back. AND I can remember amid all my mothering efforts that Lucy and Collin are actually in the much more capable hands of the One who gave them to me. ♥