The Company of Friends

I remember talking with my mom and dad right after we lost my dear grandmother about 2 1/2 years ago.  Reminiscing about "Mama Ann"  soon turned into my parents reminiscing about their childhoods and one of the things they talked about was their mothers' daily coffee visits with the other mothers in their neighborhoods.  It sounds like it was the norm for the neighborhood homemakers in the 50's to have daily coffee with each other.  Both my parents remember how everyday after their mothers had their essential domestic tasks completed they would call up "Mrs. So-in-So" who lived  a couple of doors down to find out whose house was the coffee site for that morning.  It wasn't a question of "if" they would have coffee it was who was coming over to whose house for coffee.

I am happy with my and Darin's decision to live off of his income so that I can stay home with our children...AND I admire and respect mothers who earn income in or outside of their home in addition to their mothering responsibilities.  So this post is not meant to complain about the fact that it is not exactly the "norm"  for mothers be full-time homemakers anymore.  But I have to say that hearing my parents talk about their mothers' daily coffee visits made me stop in my tracks and ponder the fact that the neighborhood camaraderie that mothers seemed to share in that day is a thing of the past.  Today mothers who desire something similar must forge those realtionships with creativity and determination.

I have been singularly blessed with many dear friends who are authentic and encouraging, giving me many avenues to forge that type of connection.  April is one such friend.

April has three kids all close in age to mine and she and her husband have also chosen to homeschool. She and I became friends at church years before either of us had children.  When we were in the process of adopting Lucy, April and her husband Troy were some of our best "cheerleaders", and before that, she was one of my most considerate and thoughtful friends when I was experiencing infertility.  She threw me a shower when Lucy came home to us... she got goosebumps when I told her I was pregnant with Collin.  So last fall when she approached me with the idea of us getting our kids together regularly throughout the school year, I agreed without hesitation.

                         

Before the school year began, the two of us had coffee and discussed our  hopes and ideas for our times together. We decided that each of us would plan one "playdate" each month for the duration of the school year calendar.  And let me tell you...this is the best thing I have done with/for my children this entire year when it comes to our homeschooling endeavors.  

We have done a variety of playdates both in the community and in each other's homes.  Some of them have had educational components to them, others have been purely recreational.  Some have gone so smoothly they were almost dreamlike.... others were a little bumpy and involved tears and making up.  It is almost summer now and we are wrapping up for the school year... As I am reflecting on our time together, I'd like to share some observations that April and I have consistently made about our playdates and how they have benefited our families:

1. Less-Gumpy Mommies.  Let's just keep it real.  The smiling faces that you see on us and our children in the pictures we post on Facebook don't exactly tell the whole story.  One of the realities of stay-at-home motherhood is that mothers can sometimes become...well...grumpy. And the age-old adage that says, "if mamma ain't  happy, ain't nobody happy"... Yeah it's the truth.  April and I can both attest to the fact that often we have come into playdates frazzled and grumpy.  But something happens when we meet up.  We get into a new environment, our kids are thrilled to see each other and all of a sudden the isolation we may have been feeling melts away and we aren't taking ourselves quite so seriously.  It is beautiful. For us and for our children.

2. Bonding Occurs. It has been so beautiful to watch our children bond with each other this year.  Preschool and early elementary years are such a tender and important time for our children's development.  Among all the things we seek to teach our kids, one of the most challenging "subjects" for them to grasp is the give and take of developing friendships.  Having a small group of friends to be with on a regular basis has afforded us the delightful opportunity to guide our kids through the process of caring for, learning with, apologizing to, forgiving and celebrating with their peers. Most parents care about the friendships their children develop, and our window of influence in this aspect of their lives is short. We are so thankful to have found a pleasant way to make the most of this time that we have to guide them on how to find and be good friends.

3. Masks Come Off. I am currently reading the book No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage, and in chapter one she urges moms to remove their "masks" that would otherwise communicate to the world that we don't have problems.  Although I tend to think that I am not prone to portray myself or my life as more rosey than it is, when I am honest I will agree that I am still tempted to put on a "mask" of perfection as much as any woman.  But when I am consistently spending face time with April and our kids, there is simply not an option to wear that mask.  We know each other well enough now to see through them. It's healthy as mothers to be in that positon regularly.

I could go on and on (arguably, I have gone on and on), and not just about my friendship with April. I could tell you about Kimberly, Shannon, Jonna, Amy, Andrea, Jamie, Stacy-all friends (who are also moms) near and far whose presence in my life won't allow me to think I am doing this alone. My point is this: it is currently so easy to live in isolation as mothers and developing the friendships we need to combat that isolation takes intentional effort, creativity and energy.  I hope that in sharing some details about experiences that April and I have had (and I have done so with her permission) I have conveyed that it is SO worth the effort, creativity and energy. If our kids could articulate it, I believe they would say so too.

xoxo,

Finding Help

It has been on my heart lately to share a little about how the process of identifying Lucy's special needs has opened my and Darin's hearts more and more to seeking help (in the professional sense) for her (and us).

It has been humbling for me to realize that there are aspects of parenting our daughter that Darin and I are not able to handle without professional help.  The amount and type of help we have sought and received has come in many stages and varieties, and I am guessing that other types of help also will enter our world in the future. I shared in this post about our experiences with identifying Lucy's expressive-receptive language disorder and sensory processing disorder and how we found help for her through speech-language therapy and occupational therapy. After about a year of occupational therapy and approximately two-years of speech-language therapy, we were feeling really encouraged.  Lucy was making amazing language progress and many of the difficult sensory-seeking behaviors were minimized.

We were, however experiencing increased meltdowns that were triggered when Darin or I had to correct, redirect or discipline Lucy. If it were not for the presence of Lucy's other known issues, we might have chalked up these behavioral challenges to being a "phase" or consider her to be a "strong-willed child".  But understanding everything we already did caused us to dig a little deeper into Lucy's behaviors. "Conventional" wisdom in how to discipline children fell flat with her (i.e. timeouts, removing privileges, etc.).  She either seemed completely unaffected by these measures or would melt-down to the point that any teachable opportunity was lost.  Sometimes her emotional response to our discipline measures seemed unusual and puzzling, for example when I took a serious or stern tone with her, she would erupt in uncontrollable laughter.  When I would calmly attempt to remove her from an escalated situation, she would become panicky, yelling at me in protest and sometimes become physically aggressive towards me. Sometimes these meltdowns would last 45-minutes to an hour. Sometimes they would occur multiple times a day.  I found myself feeling hopeless and sometimes angry.  I was also at a loss as to how to give Collin the attention he deserved from me when so much of my energy was spent helping Lucy through these episodes that were beyond her (and my) control.  Too often when Lucy's meltdowns occurred, I just set Collin down in front of a DVD, feeling horribly guilty for resorting to that.  I told Darin that I believed that it was time to enlist the help of a child and family therapist.  This was the help that was the most difficult to seek out... I won't dive into it here, but this was the realization that hurt my "pride" the most.

I had to tackle this feeling of wounded pride head-on, because I knew it was a hindrance to getting what our family needed to keep moving forward.  All of a sudden I had a "flash-forward" in my mind to Lucy's early adulthood.  I wondered what the trajectory of our family's life would look like if we  started to get that help right now as opposed to what it would look like if we kept trudging along in isolation and frustration.  I feared that the visible anxieties, stress and sadness that Darin and I felt over these struggles would start to make it harder for Lucy to feel secure in her relationship with her mommy and daddy.  I feared that the progress we'd made since her infancy in developing a trusting parent-child bond would be disrupted. I also feared that I would become too negative towards her and she would pick up on it. I knew that getting professional help for these challenges wouldn't guarantee a smooth future, but I imagined us continuing on the path we'd been on WITHOUT help for the long haul.  I imagined Lucy as a young adult, perhaps feeling disconnected and distrustful of us.  I imagined myself having to tell her that when she was a little girl, we saw hints of these challenges brewing and considered getting help but refused to do so because of our pride.  Pardon me for saying this, but that's crap. For me, envisioning the possibility of having to admit that to my adult daughter sealed the deal.  I hope with all my heart that as a young adult, Lucy will feel close to us... that she will feel safe with me as her mother and might even be able to view me as a friend.  But, if that is not what unfolds in the future, I'd hate to look back upon her early childhood and have memories of myself clinging to my pride rather than humbling myself when the Holy Spirit had prompted me to let it go and get help.  And I am convinced that the "flash forward" moment I had was a gift from God.

Soon after that key moment, Darin and I got a referral from the agency where Lucy receives her speech and occupational therapies and began to meet regularly with a child and family therapist.  We ended up meeting with this gal for about 3 or 4 months and she helped us learn some simple ideas/strategies that we would have never thought of on our own.  Many of these strategies have made a difference in our ability to guide Lucy in her behavior.  Even though it wasn't practical or feasible to continue meeting regularly with her for the long term, I will look back on the time we spent with her as a turning point and springboard from which we began to make strides in learning to understand and approach Lucy's behavioral challenges.

More recently, we have decided to begin a modified "Applied Behavioral Analysis" (ABA) program in our home with a delightful gal whom we recently connected with.  Ruth is the wife of a pastor at a large local church who has parented a child (now age 18) with issues similar to Lucy's.  I began reading Ruth's blog which she launched several months ago, called Connecting One Piece at a Time and while perusing her site I read about the in-home ABA services she offers to families like ours.  This is the statement from Ruth that captured my attention the most:

"I have developed a passion for encouraging, helping and training children who have learning differences, along with their families. I love helping families normalize family life while living with disabilities."

Between that statement and the encouragement I received from her regular blog posts, I knew that it was worth our while to pursue her help.  So we met her and acquainted her with Lucy's specific needs and began the process of hiring her to come and work with Lucy (and our family) on a weekly basis.  We just had our first session with Ruth this past week and all I can say is that I am feeling grateful and hopeful about this addition to the array of help we have sought and received.

Lucy is a curious, helpful, compassionate, sharing, enthusiastic little girl all wrapped up in an adorable 35 lb package.  It breaks my heart that at times I have been so preoccupied with how to understand her needs and challenges and how to parent her that I have been hindered in enjoying her as the beautiful gift that she is.  But now, with the combination of help that we currently have in place for her I feel like I am being given back the gift of simply enjoying her as my daughter.  I praise God and acknowledge that it's His hand that has guided us through every step in this process.  It is so worth it to seek help. And I hope that somehow our story can encourage others who may need help but feel reluctant to seek it in their own parenting journey.

xoxo,