It has been humbling for me to realize that there are aspects of parenting our daughter that Darin and I are not able to handle without professional help. The amount and type of help we have sought and received has come in many stages and varieties, and I am guessing that other types of help also will enter our world in the future. I shared in this post about our experiences with identifying Lucy's expressive-receptive language disorder and sensory processing disorder and how we found help for her through speech-language therapy and occupational therapy. After about a year of occupational therapy and approximately two-years of speech-language therapy, we were feeling really encouraged. Lucy was making amazing language progress and many of the difficult sensory-seeking behaviors were minimized.
We were, however experiencing increased meltdowns that were triggered when Darin or I had to correct, redirect or discipline Lucy. If it were not for the presence of Lucy's other known issues, we might have chalked up these behavioral challenges to being a "phase" or consider her to be a "strong-willed child". But understanding everything we already did caused us to dig a little deeper into Lucy's behaviors. "Conventional" wisdom in how to discipline children fell flat with her (i.e. timeouts, removing privileges, etc.). She either seemed completely unaffected by these measures or would melt-down to the point that any teachable opportunity was lost. Sometimes her emotional response to our discipline measures seemed unusual and puzzling, for example when I took a serious or stern tone with her, she would erupt in uncontrollable laughter. When I would calmly attempt to remove her from an escalated situation, she would become panicky, yelling at me in protest and sometimes become physically aggressive towards me. Sometimes these meltdowns would last 45-minutes to an hour. Sometimes they would occur multiple times a day. I found myself feeling hopeless and sometimes angry. I was also at a loss as to how to give Collin the attention he deserved from me when so much of my energy was spent helping Lucy through these episodes that were beyond her (and my) control. Too often when Lucy's meltdowns occurred, I just set Collin down in front of a DVD, feeling horribly guilty for resorting to that. I told Darin that I believed that it was time to enlist the help of a child and family therapist. This was the help that was the most difficult to seek out... I won't dive into it here, but this was the realization that hurt my "pride" the most.
I had to tackle this feeling of wounded pride head-on, because I knew it was a hindrance to getting what our family needed to keep moving forward. All of a sudden I had a "flash-forward" in my mind to Lucy's early adulthood. I wondered what the trajectory of our family's life would look like if we started to get that help right now as opposed to what it would look like if we kept trudging along in isolation and frustration. I feared that the visible anxieties, stress and sadness that Darin and I felt over these struggles would start to make it harder for Lucy to feel secure in her relationship with her mommy and daddy. I feared that the progress we'd made since her infancy in developing a trusting parent-child bond would be disrupted. I also feared that I would become too negative towards her and she would pick up on it. I knew that getting professional help for these challenges wouldn't guarantee a smooth future, but I imagined us continuing on the path we'd been on WITHOUT help for the long haul. I imagined Lucy as a young adult, perhaps feeling disconnected and distrustful of us. I imagined myself having to tell her that when she was a little girl, we saw hints of these challenges brewing and considered getting help but refused to do so because of our pride. Pardon me for saying this, but that's crap. For me, envisioning the possibility of having to admit that to my adult daughter sealed the deal. I hope with all my heart that as a young adult, Lucy will feel close to us... that she will feel safe with me as her mother and might even be able to view me as a friend. But, if that is not what unfolds in the future, I'd hate to look back upon her early childhood and have memories of myself clinging to my pride rather than humbling myself when the Holy Spirit had prompted me to let it go and get help. And I am convinced that the "flash forward" moment I had was a gift from God.
Soon after that key moment, Darin and I got a referral from the agency where Lucy receives her speech and occupational therapies and began to meet regularly with a child and family therapist. We ended up meeting with this gal for about 3 or 4 months and she helped us learn some simple ideas/strategies that we would have never thought of on our own. Many of these strategies have made a difference in our ability to guide Lucy in her behavior. Even though it wasn't practical or feasible to continue meeting regularly with her for the long term, I will look back on the time we spent with her as a turning point and springboard from which we began to make strides in learning to understand and approach Lucy's behavioral challenges.
More recently, we have decided to begin a modified "Applied Behavioral Analysis" (ABA) program in our home with a delightful gal whom we recently connected with. Ruth is the wife of a pastor at a large local church who has parented a child (now age 18) with issues similar to Lucy's. I began reading Ruth's blog which she launched several months ago, called Connecting One Piece at a Time and while perusing her site I read about the in-home ABA services she offers to families like ours. This is the statement from Ruth that captured my attention the most:
"I have developed a passion for encouraging, helping and training children who have learning differences, along with their families. I love helping families normalize family life while living with disabilities."
Between that statement and the encouragement I received from her regular blog posts, I knew that it was worth our while to pursue her help. So we met her and acquainted her with Lucy's specific needs and began the process of hiring her to come and work with Lucy (and our family) on a weekly basis. We just had our first session with Ruth this past week and all I can say is that I am feeling grateful and hopeful about this addition to the array of help we have sought and received.
Lucy is a curious, helpful, compassionate, sharing, enthusiastic little girl all wrapped up in an adorable 35 lb package. It breaks my heart that at times I have been so preoccupied with how to understand her needs and challenges and how to parent her that I have been hindered in enjoying her as the beautiful gift that she is. But now, with the combination of help that we currently have in place for her I feel like I am being given back the gift of simply enjoying her as my daughter. I praise God and acknowledge that it's His hand that has guided us through every step in this process. It is so worth it to seek help. And I hope that somehow our story can encourage others who may need help but feel reluctant to seek it in their own parenting journey.
xoxo,
I love this blog Erika. You are amazing to me.
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