The Best... It's Yet to Come

While I wanted to write and share my memories and reflections for Easter Sunday ON Easter Sunday, the reality of my life during the past few days and the hopes I had to complete these Holy Week posts on Sunday sort of collided into a not-so-perfect-union.  So here I am on...let's call it "Easter Wednesday" to share some final memories and reflections.

Tonight I am remembering a powerful conversation I had with Lucy the night before Easter.  I was putting her and Collin to bed and our "pillow talk" was pretty deep as we were all trying hard to process what had happened to Darin and I still had such limited information to give them about his future.

What I am about to share may sound familiar to many of you, because it is something I shared word-for-word on Facebook almost a year ago.  This past week I have been trying to share only memories that I had not previously shared on Facebook or other social media, but frankly, this moment was so powerful I simply must revisit it.  Here is what I wrote:

"Mommy, why did God chose Daddy to be hurt and go to the hospital?"  Well.  That's the question, isn't it?

Lucy asked me this minutes before she fell asleep tonight.  As I fumbled through my answers there were only two solid thoughts that came to me by God's grace and I feel compelled to share them with you here.

First: 
God chose to take on human flesh.  He became like us, felt our weaknesses, knew the sorrows of our sin sick world.  His name is Jesus.  And he died a most painful death so that all our guilt might too be put to death and set us free from sin's curse.  I told Lucy that Jesus knows how her Daddy feels right now because he too was 'big hurt' when he died.

Second:
Our suffering gives us a chance to become more like Jesus, our Savior.  I told Lucy that I believe that her daddy is learning to be more like Jesus through the experience of being hurt and in the hospital.  She did not quite grasp this but by grace I pray she (and all of us) will continue to do the hard work of grasping this.

And a third thought has since entered my mind since she and I talked:
Tomorrow I (and many) celebrate that Jesus, our Lord was raised literally to life again after he died, giving us who have trusted Him hope that we too will one day receive a new and whole body, like His.

So when I contemplate the question: 'will Darin walk again?' The answer is yes.  I don't know if he will walk on this side of eternity, BUT Jesus is the answer... That one day, Darin will have a body like Christ's-free from the limitations of this world (and his injury).  And he will walk again."

I remember around the time I wrote those words, my prayers about Darin's healing became more and more about asking God to do whatever He knew would bring most glory to Him in Darin's life.  If God would get more glory from a world that saw miraculous physical healing in Darin, then I wanted that.  If God would get more glory in a scenario that involved permanent and total paralysis from the waist down for Darin, then as painful as it would be, I wanted that. For I was coming to understand words that I had already read many times in my faith journey from Paul's 2nd Letter to the Corinthian church (4:14-18):

"...because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself.  All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.  Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal"

 In light of eternity, even if Darin did not walk again until Heaven, I believed that he would someday look at these days as "light and momentary troubles".  The power of Jesus' resurrection means that our days here and now are not the end and they are not the best. The best is as they say, "yet to come". But the days we are given in the here and now are still a gift and our opportunity to choose HIM in faith and shine bright in the midst of darkness.

I want to conclude, by asking you (if you are still reading), if you can see yourself when you consider the story of Jesus's suffering, death and resurrection?  I have not taken the time to share all of these memories simply to be another "inspiring story" or to present ourselves as unique in any way.  I know that you have been or will be touched by sufferings and trials of many kinds.  I also believe that Jesus Christ, fully God and fully man achieved through His own suffering victory over sin and death. His victory is yours to avail yourself to if you so desire.  His story can become your story.  The heavy burdens you carry can too be regarded as light and momentary.  I sincerely hope they will be.

xoxo,

When Suffering Makes It Easy to Sin

Probably three or four days into Darin's hospitalization, the sheer adrenaline that helped me to keep putting one foot in front of the other faded away.  I was exhausted.  The pain of watching the man I love languish in a hospital bed, the wisdom required to give my children the information they needed to process the topsy turvey world they were thrust into, the coordination required to keep our loved ones updated on Darin's ever-changing condition... it all took an emotional and physical toll.  I began to feel raw and agitated and snippy. Or if I wasn't those things I started to distort all the encouraging words I was receiving from friends and family and pridefully think, "You know, they are right, aren't they?! I AM pretty great!"  I remember one night when I was talking with Pastor Scott in the hallway outside Darin's room in the ICU, I looked at him and said, "It is getting REALLY easy to sin right now."

There are a lot of voices that might try to reassure me by suggesting that it wasn't that I was SINNING, per se, it was just that I was stressed. Under pressure, Hurting.  And yes, I was all of those things.  But instead of making me immune to sin, they made me more vulnerable to the temptation to sin.  Or rather, they did when I tried to shoulder them all alone. What did it look like when I attempted to shoulder my burdens alone? It looked a lot like not calling upon God for help but focusing all my energy and attention on our circumstances.  It looked like not embracing little opportunities for rest when they presented themselves.  It looked like me thinking that Darin's and our kids' well being was dependent on how well I took care of them.

My reflection for tonight is simple: my suffering makes it easy to sin; Jesus' suffering has paid for my sin. Prophetic words about Jesus from Isaiah 53:4-5  put it so beautifully:

"Surely he has borne our grbiefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.  But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed."

I can't fully grasp this mystery but I have firsthand experience now to know that my suffering reveals my own inadequacy and sinfulness.  Jesus' suffering without sin, revealed his diety.  This is not my observation, but one made by an eyewitness of his crucifixion.  Mark 15:39 says:

"And when the centurian who stood there in front of Jesus, saw how he died, he said, 'Surely this man was the Son of God.'"

To be in this world is to suffer at some point. And I have come to believe that when one enters a time of suffering they must confront a battle they can't win on their own.  Only God could suffer and do so victoriously, that is without sin.  I believe that when God in human flesh died, he uttered the words, "It is finished"  (John 19:30) because  he truly finished what we couldn't do.  And then extended His victory to us.  Gave us an invitation to trust him for the forgiveness we couldn't earn.

So when my suffering makes it easy to sin, I don't need to try harder not to sin.  I need only stop and say, "Oh wait, Jesus already finished this battle for me" and take His invitation to rest in that.

xoxo,

A Pause for Extravagance

Right before Darin went into surgery, I realized that he still had his wedding ring on, so I hastily removed it and slipped it in my pocket.  The rest of the day was long and hard and to keep myself occupied, I (along with my dear friend, Shannon who was with me for support) walked around the hospital quite a bit.  We went to the cafeteria, the ICU family lounge and even to the maternity center to visit with some good friends who had just had a baby in the same hospital.


Fast forward a few days, and it was pretty rough going for Darin.  Pain and nausea management proved very difficult and I spent some long days there with him holding his hand and supporting him as he endured a great deal of physical and emotional suffering.  Finally, there was a moment that he appeared to have more awareness of what was going on around him and he looked at me and said, "Honey, where is my wedding ring?"


Uh oh.  I realized that the last time I had seen it was when I slipped in into my pocket on surgery day.  I told him that I needed to find it at home and bring it the next day.  He moved on, but my heart sank.  That night I ransacked my washer and dryer, my backpack, all the pockets of the clothing I wore that day.  It was no where to be found.  Assuming that it must have fallen out of my pocket at some point in that day, I took several days to comb the hospital for that ring. I looked under chairs and in between cushions on sofas in the surgery center.  I checked the cafeteria, the maternity center, the family lounge and I spoke the with security department and lost and found in the hospital multiple times.  I felt so awful.  I had lost my husband's wedding ring on what might have been the most frightening day of his life


I waited until he brought it up again and then admitted that I had lost it and had given up hope of finding it.  I was dejected and he was pretty sad about it too, but what could be done that I had not already done?


Fast forward several more days, and my 34th birthday had arrived.  Darin was continuing to struggle through a very slow recovery and had also started to experience some complications that were making him very ill.  The truth was that I wished I could just skip my birthday rather than pretend that it was a happy day.  But then I realized what would bring joy on that day to some miserable circumstances.


I wanted to go out and buy Darin a new wedding band and give it to him for my birthday.  It seemed like an extravagant and perhaps unnecessary expense given the circumstances.  But I realized that Darin's injury in many ways was ushering in a new era for us and our marriage.  And in a flash I realized that I wasn't meant to find the old ring. This was my moment to commemorate our new era with an extravagant gesture.  I wanted to remind him how glad I was that I had chosen him and how happy I was to stay with him during these difficult days and the ones yet to come.





The Holy Week reflection on my heart tonight technically isn't an event from the Holy Week, but is a significant moment right before Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem.  This is the story of a woman who gave a far more extravagant gift commemorating a far more important moment in history and made a much greater mark on human history than I could ever dream of making!


Jesus was dining in the home of a man named Simon the Leper when, as Matthew 26:7 tells it:

"a woman came up to him with an alabaster flask of very expensive ointment, and she poured it on his head as he relined at the table."

As the story continues, there are those who scoffed at her gesture, reasoning that her perfume would have gone to better use had it been sold and donated to the poor.  But Jesus is moved by her extravagance and in 26:10-13 we read his response:

"Why do you trouble this woman?  For she has done a beautiful thing to me  For you will always have the poor with you but you will not always have me.  In pouring this ointment on my body, she has done it to prepare me for burial.  Truly, I saw to you, wherever this gospel is proclaimed in the world, what she has done will also be told in memory of her."

 My heart is moved by the exchange between Jesus and the woman in this story.  I see that there can be beauty in immediately acting upon a worshipful impulse that has been prompted by the Holy Spirit. That such moments, if acted upon might become significant to usher in something new He has prepared. They can be opportunities to draw closer to the Savior.  I also get a sense from Jesus' words, that such opportunities don't come around everyday and they ought to be embraced,( even if doing so doesn't seem practical) or the opportunity will be lost,


Now, almost a year after Darin's injury, the storms are not raging in my world quite like they were when I knew that I was meant to give Darin that ring. Going forward I want to retain the sensitivity I was granted in the aftermath of Darin's injury.  When the chances that don't come along everyday to give extravagantly in worship to my God, I want to follow the example of the woman who annointed Jesus. I want to draw closer to him and be a part of the plans He has for this world.


xoxo,

Taking Heart In the Face of Fear

 The memory I want to share now is how overwhelmed I was with fear right before Darin had surgery to stabilize his burst vertebra.  So the spinal cord is kind of a big deal (insert smiley face) and there were bone fragments that were pressing on his spinal cord which had caused the injury.  It was important that the fragments be removed and the vertebra be reconstructed surgically so that pressure could be taken off the spinal cord and further injury might be prevented. The success of this surgery could make the difference as to whether Darin would have a chance to walk again in this life.

The surgery was estimated to take about seven hours.  As you can imagine, it would require a great deal of skill and precision.  To give you an idea of how intense the surgery was, here is a picture of his x-ray after the surgery (spoiler alert: the surgery was successful and went according to plan):

I felt so nervous going into it, I wanted to throw up.  The night before his surgery I was at home and tried everything I could to calm my soul.  I prayed, read scripture, had a glass of wine, talked to caring friends.  But by about 2:00 AM I realized that I was not going to be able to sleep and was too restless to stay at home.  So with my parents-in-law at my house with the kids, I drove to the hospital. When I arrived, I checked on Darin and he was deeply sleeping so I woke up our friend Matt who was the "nightwatchman" at the time and did what any other woman in my shoes would do at that moment: I ugly cried.  Matt wiped the sleep out of his eyes and placed a caring hand on my shoulder and prayed for Darin and for me.  The ugly crying continued, but after Matt finished praying, I was able to breathe, take heart and receive some stability.

Tonight I am remembering how Jesus spent a good deal of time with his disciples in between his entry into Jerusalem and his arrest.  John 13:1 says:

"Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end."

First of all, can I just stop and absorb the words, "he loved them to the end"?  What a simple, beautiful, powerful statement about his love for "his own."  Reading on in John chapters 13-18 we see Jesus wash his disciples' feet and then give him his parting words of caution, instruction, prophecy and comfort. Towards the end of his parting words, he states plainly in 16:33 that they would be guaranteed troubles, suffering and sorrow.  But he offers hope:

"In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world."

He then concludes in prayer calling upon the Heavenly Father to strengthen them, protect them and work wonders through them.  And then we come to another statement in 17:20 that makes all the difference for us today:

"I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they may also be in us..."

He was not only addressing and praying for those disciples present with him in that time.  He was praying for those who were yet to come.  And I realize that is me!  That is Darin!  That is everyone who has since trusted on the name of Jesus for their forgiveness and redemption. And he is loving us to the end, and imploring us to take heart when we are afraid and to remember that He has overcome the world and the tribulations in it.

xoxo,

Sharing our Burdens

The memory on my mind today is a continuation of what I shared yesterday. When I arrived to the hospital that morning and found Darin in such a vulnerable condition, I wasn't prepared.  I kept my composure for his sake, but inside I was crushed.  I felt dizzy and shaky.  I opened my mouth to pray for him, but couldn't produce any words.

And in that moment, when my ability to help Darin was entirely diminished, God sent help.  Mark, a dear and godly friend of ours who had once been Darin's supervisor at a previous job walked into the room. He had a stirring in his soul to come to Darin at that moment.  So he came.  He came to Darin's bedside and prayed fervently for him and me.  And I was granted strength to press on and be present with Darin as his helper.  And this is only one story... there are many similar stories involving other friends that would knock your socks off.  I am so thankful for the generous way that God has over and over again met us at our point of need by mobilizing others to share our burdens when it seemed impossible to carry on.  And I am thankful for the willingness of these friends to respond when compelled in their spirit to come to our aid.

Today I am remembering how crushed in body and soul Jesus was when he was on his way to be crucified.  We are not given a lot of information on this detail of the story, but the scriptures mention by name, a man who was given the task of carrying Jesus' cross for him to the hill where he would be crucified. 

"And they compelled a passerby, Simon of Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, the father of Alexander and Rufus, to carry his cross."

Since we know so little about Simon I can't try to elaborate too much, except to say how moved I am that Jesus had endured so much suffering that another person had to be called upon to carry his cross. It leaves me heartbroken and amazed again at what he willingly subjected himself to save mankind. We have another example of how he humbled himself and knew human sorrow and suffering.  Philippians 2:8 describes what he did so perfectly:

"And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

One of the things that strikes me here in the light of the fact that Jesus received help on his way to the cross, is that it is often pride that prevents the human heart from accepting the help of others.  And Jesus, God in human flesh even gives us an example of humility by receiving help in his despair. May we ALL be willing to follow his example by allowing our brothers and sisters to share our burdens when we are in need.

xoxo,

Moments of Loneliness

We were a couple of days into Darin's hospitalization  By that point I was spending my nights at home, but didn't feel comfortable having Darin in the hospital overnight without a friend or family member present. The doctors and nurses were amazing and I trusted them. But his loneliness and confusion was severe and he needed a companion present in the darkness of the nighttime and early morning hours.

Thus the team of "night watchmen" was assembled.  We gathered a group of men who were like brothers to us.  They took shifts (along with Darin's parents and siblings) staying with Darin through the night and early morning hours until I could arrive again. They prayed, read the Bible aloud, and spoke reassuring words to him when he woke up.  They were so amazing and I will never forget their goodness to us.  It wasn't always easy to coordinate these night shift schedules though, and I remember one time, there was a gap in the very early morning in between the "watchman" who had the final shift and the time that I was able to arrive at the hospital.  I felt uneasy about it. but there just wasn't a way to get around it in this situation.  There were going to be a few hours that Darin would be alone.

I could never forget what I encountered when I made my way to his room that next morning.  He was wide eyed and he grasped my hand. He described the feeling of utter loneliness and helplessness he felt in those last few hours. I had never seen him in that type of distress. And I despised myself in that moment.  How could I have left him there alone?  I eventually accepted that I was just one person, and I could not be everything that Darin needed, no matter how much I tried.  

Now as I revisit that memory while also focusing my heart and mind on the Biblical narratives of the Holy Week, I remember that Jesus spent an entire night in utter loneliness and anguish in Gethsemane.  He desired the prayerful presence of his closest disciples in His time of sorrow, but they didn't come through for him. (see Matthew 26: 36-46 for the whole story).  

I have always cherished the words in Hebrews 4:14-15:

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses. but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin."

But when I have the opportunity such as this to really see and believe that there is not a human sorrow that Jesus has not himself endured for our sake, I am stunned.  Jesus not only proved himself as the only One who COULD be everything that mankind needs, but he also subjected himself to the pain of being disappointed by the limitations of this world and the people in it.

I still shudder at the memory of Darin's pain and loneliness on that difficult morning.  At the same time, I can embrace that memory as a moment that I believe was designed by our Heavenly Father to bring Darin into a closer fellowship with his Savior.

xoxo,

Suddenly Everything Changes

The memories I want to share today begin with the few days preceding Darin's injury.  Now, those were the last moments of the life we considered to be "normal".  So I can admit that I am likely romanticizing these memories.  I don't know.  But what I am sharing is how I remember that time, whether or not it is recalled through a romantic lens.

March in Iowa is definitely unpredictable in terms of weather.  Although we all are SO ready for warmer weather every year when March rolls around, we don't hold our breath with that expectation.  I normally try to view March as another winter month and if we get a hint of spring, then it's a bonus.  I do remember the week before Darin's injury as being truly beautiful and we were loving outdoor time.  I remember one afternoon in particular that the kids and I were playing with the rabbits and chickens in the backyard and cherishing the simple fun.

The Stevenson kids enjoying our backyard in March 2015.

In addition to the joy that warm weather and outdoor fun brought, I remember that right before Darin's injury, he and I had recently come out on the other end of some conflict that had taken a lot out of both of us. Even though the details of the disagreement seem fuzzy and less important to me now, I remember it as being big and important at the time. And after some hard work fighting for each other, we had a sort of breakthrough.  We received God's grace and mercy and extended it to one another. It was so satisfying. We had also just had a really wonderful "stay-cation" with the kids at a local hotel, playing in the pool, and enjoying lighthearted fun.  We were all getting along well.  We were relaxed.  At peace.  The sun was shining on us. Literally.

And then he fell off that ladder.  And we were thrust into instant chaos, confusion and panic.  I remember that first night Darin was in the hospital.  I spent a restless night bouncing back and forth between Darin's room and a pullout bed in the dark ICU family lounge. Any time I came close to falling asleep, I was abruptly brought out of it with a panic attack. When I was with him he was so heavily medicated, and buried under IVs, tubes and beeping noises.  It was obvious that he had little awareness of what was really happening.   My parents-in-law stayed at our house overnight with our kids.  Nora had never spent a night away from me and my mother-in-law spent the entire evening trying to no avail to comfort and calm her.  By the time I saw Lucy and Collin, it was the second night of his hospitalization and I anxiously snuggled in their beds with them, listening to Lucy tearfully say, "Daddy! Daddy!" over and over again.  

How could everything change so suddenly?  The glorious days we had just enjoyed seemed worlds away.

Today, Darin and I were sitting in the 11:00 AM service of the church we just started to attend.  Our pastor was describing the triumphal entrance that Jesus made into Jerusalem just a few short days before his crucifixion.  This is the event we celebrate on Palm Sunday, and the picture we see from the Biblical accounts, is that He was being hailed as a king... a hero of sorts, or to use a more Biblical phrase, a messiah. There was celebrating in the streets.  Joy.  And then, to borrow a phrase from our pastor this morning, "suddenly everything changes."  The story takes an ominous turn. Before long Jesus enjoys a meal with his twelve closest followers but we learn that one of them has plans to turn him into the authorities who seek to take his life.  Before we know it, the crowds that joyfully welcomed him are replaced by a mob demanding his execution.  How could everything change so quickly?

Some stunning words from Hebrews 12 come to my mind,

"let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." (vs1b-3)

I am reminded that Jesus knew everything He was about to endure.  And He went to it for the joy set before him.  Even though the cost on his part was unimaginable.  It was worth it because it was his rescue mission to save us from our sin and ultimately from our suffering, even though on this side of eternity there is still suffering for each of us to endure for a time.

Darin and I are so thankful that when everything suddenly changed in our world last March, Jesus knew everything we were about to endure.  And in addition to giving us himself as our redeemer, he also gave himself as our example.  As for the joy set before him when he went forward to suffer?  He has also invited us enter into that joy by placing our hope in him, especially when it is our time to suffer.  And by the grace of the Father and through the empowering of the Holy Spirit I believe we are learning to do just that.

xoxo,