Moments of Loneliness

We were a couple of days into Darin's hospitalization  By that point I was spending my nights at home, but didn't feel comfortable having Darin in the hospital overnight without a friend or family member present. The doctors and nurses were amazing and I trusted them. But his loneliness and confusion was severe and he needed a companion present in the darkness of the nighttime and early morning hours.

Thus the team of "night watchmen" was assembled.  We gathered a group of men who were like brothers to us.  They took shifts (along with Darin's parents and siblings) staying with Darin through the night and early morning hours until I could arrive again. They prayed, read the Bible aloud, and spoke reassuring words to him when he woke up.  They were so amazing and I will never forget their goodness to us.  It wasn't always easy to coordinate these night shift schedules though, and I remember one time, there was a gap in the very early morning in between the "watchman" who had the final shift and the time that I was able to arrive at the hospital.  I felt uneasy about it. but there just wasn't a way to get around it in this situation.  There were going to be a few hours that Darin would be alone.

I could never forget what I encountered when I made my way to his room that next morning.  He was wide eyed and he grasped my hand. He described the feeling of utter loneliness and helplessness he felt in those last few hours. I had never seen him in that type of distress. And I despised myself in that moment.  How could I have left him there alone?  I eventually accepted that I was just one person, and I could not be everything that Darin needed, no matter how much I tried.  

Now as I revisit that memory while also focusing my heart and mind on the Biblical narratives of the Holy Week, I remember that Jesus spent an entire night in utter loneliness and anguish in Gethsemane.  He desired the prayerful presence of his closest disciples in His time of sorrow, but they didn't come through for him. (see Matthew 26: 36-46 for the whole story).  

I have always cherished the words in Hebrews 4:14-15:

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses. but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin."

But when I have the opportunity such as this to really see and believe that there is not a human sorrow that Jesus has not himself endured for our sake, I am stunned.  Jesus not only proved himself as the only One who COULD be everything that mankind needs, but he also subjected himself to the pain of being disappointed by the limitations of this world and the people in it.

I still shudder at the memory of Darin's pain and loneliness on that difficult morning.  At the same time, I can embrace that memory as a moment that I believe was designed by our Heavenly Father to bring Darin into a closer fellowship with his Savior.

xoxo,